Saturday, March 25, 2006

Abduction

It seems like there were a million things I needed to do last week, but I never got around to half of them because I ended up getting abducted by aliens.

They weren't interested in performing any of the exploratory surgery or anal probing they're so famous for, which was fine with me. It turns out they just wanted to observe us while we engaged in various human activities. They were especially interested in seeing how we mated, for some reason -- probably because it's a lot different from their own mating practices. I'm not exactly sure how they do it -- they tried to explain it to us, but I didn't understand all the details since there was a considerable language barrier and I was also a little bit disoriented from the ray they used to beam me up with. All I know for sure is that when the aliens reproduce, spores are somehow involved and the whole process is generally regarded as not being all that much fun.

So as alien abductions go, this one could have been a lot worse, although I have to say that the woman they paired me up with wasn't much to look at. Normally, that wouldn't have necessarily been much of a problem, but she was sort of stupid as well, so I just didn't think there was anything attractive about her. I was also a little nervous with all the aliens watching us, so I was sort of worried about how well I'd perform.

The aliens must have had this sort of experience with humans before, because they knew that we don't breed well in captivity, sort of like pandas. So they were prepared for all sorts of problems. They had a full bar on their space ship, as well as a room they referred to as the "nite club." I didn't go in there because it was too crowded, but I did have a couple of Martinis, so after a while I was feeling pretty good. My "mate," on the other hand, probably overdid it a little. She got really drunk, which caused her to shed a few too many of her inhibitions. She was talking too loudly, and spilling her drink, and laughing at things that weren't funny, and basically just embarrassing me in front of the aliens. Also, she insisted on referring to them as ETs, as in the sentence, "I ordered a Margarita more than ten minutes ago, and that little ET still hasn't brought it." To be honest, she didn't need another Margarita, and I was a little put off by her rudeness, especially considering that the aliens weren't even charging us for the drinks.

I didn't think she was a very good representative of the human race, and I hoped the aliens wouldn't judge us all by how she was behaving, especially if they were observing us in order to decide whether or not they should annihilate our species. I didn't like her at all, and I really wished they'd paired me up with one of the other women.

But alcohol has a way of smoothing over little things like that, so the mating ritual was successful, although it was nothing to boast about. And she looked like she was past her child-bearing years, so at least that's one thing I don't have to worry about.

When the experiment was over, they dropped us all off in a clearing in some forest in the middle of nowhere. I had a slight headache -- I don't know if it was from the beam or if the Martinis were just wearing off -- but I started to feel better after a few minutes. Fortunately, I had my new cell phone with me, so I was able to call a taxi. The woman I'd been with offered to share the taxi with me, but she turned out to be going in a different direction, for which I was grateful. There was another woman in our group who was pretty good-looking, and she wasn't obnoxious like the other woman, so I wouldn't have minded sharing a taxi with her, but she was going in another direction as well.

So I got in the taxi alone, and it took a couple of hours to get back home, and all during that time I just kept staring at the meter, watching it go higher and higher and wondering if I'd have enough money to pay the fare. As it turned out, I didn't, so I had the taxi driver stop at an ATM first.

When he pulled up to my house, everything looked familiar yet different somehow. I couldn't tell what it was at first, so I just stared at the house and the front yard for a while, but the driver was getting sort of impatient, so I paid him and he drove off. Then I realized what it was. The streetlight that I'd been trying to get relocated for months and months had finally been moved. I stared at the new streetlight in its new location for a while, just to make sure it wasn't some sort of hallucination induced by those alien Martinis. But it wasn't a hallucination -- it was real -- and I could hardly believe it, since all the previous delays made me think it would never get moved. But there it was, as plain as day, standing proud and tall.

Life is just full of little surprises sometimes.