Saturday, March 17, 2007


In the few weeks since I announced my intention to run for United States President, I've come to learn many things about our political system and the machinery that keeps it running. Most significantly, I found out that in order to be a viable candidate, I have to spend somewhere between $100 million and $150 million.

To that end, I contacted various people to serve as my head of fund-raising and asked each one of them to submit a brief biography. The most interesting one is included below, in its entirety.

Curiously, the biography is written in the third person, and even more curiously, it's written in the past tense. When I contacted the woman who wrote it, she explained that she wrote it that way in the hopes that it might someday be used as her obituary as well.

That makes about as much sense as anything else I've heard recently, so I'm probably going to hire her. Here's her biography:

Her full name (before marriage) was Apajala Barcley Dog-Press Weatherman. Although the name "Apajala" is misleadingly similar to the Molonian name, in her case the resemblance was completely accidental. In fact, her entire name -- with the exception of "Weatherman," which was, of course, her family name -- was an acronym created from some of the qualities her parents hoped she would someday embody.

In sequence, those qualities are: Anti-Propagandist, Ambitious, Jovial, Affable, Law-Abiding, Benevolent, Agoraphiliac, Reliable, Cat-Loving, Enigmatic, Youthful, Diligent, Outgoing, Generous, Peripatetic, Rational, Energetic, Spirited, and Sensual.

Although she did possess all of those admirable qualities in varying degrees, she often found the use of her full name unwieldy and generally referred to herself simply as "Barcley."

Whenever anyone asked her about the unconventional spelling of "Barcley," she would frequently respond by saying it was due to the fact that her parents thought it was less important to be accurate than it was to be enigmatic. It's very doubtful that anyone ever understood her explanation.

By the time she was married, she had already stopped working full-time, although she occasionally took a short-term assignment if the work sounded appealing or challenging to her. At the time of her marriage, for example, she had recently finished writing an extensive collection of fictional biographies and had just begun devising a series of imaginary menus for restaurants that didn't exist.

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