Saturday, January 20, 2007

Rumor Control

Ever since I announced my plans to run as a 2008 United States presidential candidate, the hordes of opposition researchers have been hard at work, day and night, digging up whatever dirt they could find on me. Some of the rumors that have been floating around are absolutely outrageous, and others are not so outrageous. In any case, as these rumors benefit neither the voting public nor me, I consider it my civic duty to clear up any confusion resulting from their promulgation. Think of this as my first act of public service.

  • I have a small but slavishly devoted army of culturally disaffected young men and women who will do anything I demand of them in the pursuit of my political ambitions.

    Though widely repeated, this rumor is absolutely false.

  • I was ambivalent as to whether or not Pluto's "planet" status should have been rescinded.

    True. I have, at different times, taken both sides on this issue. As of this date, I am officially neutral on the subject.

  • I am related to convicted murderer Richard Kaplan, who killed three fast food workers and five customers in a shooting rage at a "Cap'n Jimmy's" seafood restaurant franchise in Sacramento, California.

    False on two counts: The mass murderer Richard Kaplan is not a real person. (There is no reliable documentation that such a person was ever born.) The "Cap'n Jimmy's" chain of fast food restaurants does not exist.

  • In what is considered a breach of ethics, I once used a time machine for my own personal financial advantage.

    True and false. First of all, although it was to my personal advantage, it was not to my personal financial advantage. Secondly, it wasn't a time machine. It was an automobile, and there was absolutely nothing unethical about my usage of it.

  • In 1998, I was romantically linked to Brazilian exotic dancer Mala, who had gained notoriety the year before while standing trial on charges of operating a restaurant without a license, defaming a zookeeper, and interstate flight to avoid prosecution.

    I wish.

  • I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

    Yeah, so what? The guy was an asshole.

  • As a young adult, I experimented with various legal and illegal mind-altering substances, often putting at risk my health and safety, as well as the health and safety of others.

    I honestly don't remember if anything like this ever happened, but rather than deny it, I'll just say it's probably true. Either way, it doesn't seem like that big a deal.

Okay, that's all for now. I'll address all future rumors as they arise. In the meantime, if you hear any rumors you'd like me to verify, feel free to contact me at See you in the White House!